my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
