need another drink. this is the easiest way
I want to walk on stilts...naked
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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