I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
