The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
