Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
