I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
