I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
