i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
