Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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