Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
