Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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