Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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