just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
