As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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