I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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