If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
