I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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