It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
