Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
