sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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