I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
