she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize