im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
