Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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