My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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