the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
