i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
