tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
