I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
