I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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