Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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