Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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