Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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