I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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