i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
