i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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