I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize