I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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