When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
