I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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