he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
