I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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