That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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