Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
