you're like a bully in the Christmas story
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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