Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
