I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
