i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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