EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
