he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
