Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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