She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
