the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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