Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
