So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
