I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
