So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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