I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
