I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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