tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
