By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
