and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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