Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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