Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
