i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Boobs speak an international language.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Randomize
